Silent suffering finally seen by Kaya

TW: depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders

I cant really remember last time i felt truly comfortable with myself and my mind, when i was younger i would either say nothing or not be able to stop my mouth from moving, the most common phrases i heard was either `just talk to us` or `be quiet`, i was in a school that was quite hectic so no-one there really noticed. It didn't bother me when i was a kid, but then when i was 10 i was sitting in class and all of a sudden i couldn't breathe, i thought i was having a heart-attack, i thought it was rude to die in front of my class, (little odd i know), so i walked outside and just sat on the floor hyperventilating. It wasn't a heart-attack it was a panic-attack, if you are on this site you probably figured that out. But i didn't know that, i was only 10, so when it kept happening i didn't say anything, i didn't want my parents to worry that they had a sick kid. By the time i was 12 it was something that happened several times a week, i knew what it was by then but i still didn't say anything, once i told my mom that i had a panic-attack in class, she brushed it off and said, `no you were just a little nervous` so i didn't bring it up again. At 13, my portions got smaller, my sleeves got longer, i went months without speaking to any of my peers. It got to a point where the school contacted my parents, a social worker, and a school psychologist, but nothing happened, i was a really good liar when i "needed" to be. But then lock-down happened, i was 14, and pretty convinced i wouldn't see 15, i was so far down in my depression at that point that i didn't, until now 3 years later, knew that my sister was in the room next to me during lock-down, i still don't remember that she was there, but i was told she was. I was self-harming daily, avoiding to eat any chance i got, and i couldn't hide as much so my parents ended up putting me in therapy during that time, and i remember everything just poured out, all the pain, and anger, and fear, everything that i hadn't said, but it didn't click i was still in that terrible place. But a year after i was sent to a psychiatrist, and was told i had Major depressive disorder, ADD, and general anxiety disorder, and everything kind of clicked. I had gone my entire life with this noise in my head that i thought everyone had, and because i thought i was the only one that couldn't deal with it i would punish myself any way i could. I am now on medication, and in therapy, i am still battling my depression, and anxiety, but i am now 17 and still breathing, 2 months clean from self-harm, and working on improving my eating patterns. This will probably be a battle for the rest of my life, but at least i am no longer fighting alone.