defeat by Malu

TW: depression, bullying, eating disorders, sexual harassment, gender dysphoria, suicide, trauma, mentions of alcohol

Have you ever felt that everyone in your life has failed you?

That if you didn't have to go through all these experiences that you would be a different person now?

I think if I've never experienced all these things in my life I wouldn't be the person I am today. When I was young (elementary school) I had everything a kid could want. I was raised in Hawai'i! A perfect state surrounded by diverse people and the ocean. I loved dancing and being the center of attention. I was surrounded by friends and I was confident. I looked up to adults and I wanted to be one!

When I was 10-13 (middle school), I lost a lot of my friends since I moved and it was really hard! But I soon made other friends quickly. There was these two twins names Veronica and Vivian (that's not their real names lol) they were so nice! They helped me through a tough time and held their hand out to me. I was never alone and I always had someone to talk to :) They even made me a book about how much our friendship meant to them. But it seemed like over time they started to change, while in 7th grade. P.S I'm gonna be honest with you. Before I continue my story I suffer from dissociative amnesia which means I can't remember much so all the details are blurry. This usually occurs when the brain deems the situation would be better off locked away. but anyway, all I can mostly remember is being numb. I felt nothing! No emotion and no feelings. I remember this moment where I had a friend who was crying and I couldn't comprehend the feeling of sadness. It also didn't help that I was figuring out my sexuality and gender at the time.

Veronica and Vivian did many things but the ones I remember was them taking advantage of my kindness and my desperation of wanting to fit in. I would always be the one to pay. Watch a movie? I'm paying. Going out to eat? I'm paying. I remember the times they would ask to meet up and wouldn't show up. I sat in the yogurt shop for 2 hours waiting for them and I would just cry. fearing that they'll abandon me again. (news flash: I now have a fear of abandonment lol) I didn't just hate them, I hated their mom too. She was nice but she did NOTHING. She knew what was happening and would give me back the money that they would take from me. It also didn't help that men were disgusting, people that I trusted as acquaintances would blow my phone up with sexual remarks about me and describe the things they would do to me. I brought it up to my parents and they just laughed in my face. Saying "boys will be boys" I also had a stalker back then! When I finally came out as bisexual I ended up getting a stalker and when I rejected her confession she threatened to commit die (didn't want to add the s word)

While during that, Veronica and Vivian has always struggled with their mental health and would always come to me for advice. They would never leave me alone and I saw them more than my own parents. I join a club, they would join too! I went to the bathroom, you know it! Their right there behind me. I felt suffocated by everything and still to this day I tell myself. It wasn't that bad but I can't remember anything specific on why I would feel like that but still to this day when I try to look back I cry. But what I hate the most is how our "friendship" ended. They asked me to do something for them (can't remember) and they got mad at me, saying I never helped them with anything and I was selfish. But... I gave them everything, I gave my heart and my WHOLE identity to them. I trusted my friends and all they did was take advantage of me. To this day I still regret not leaving them sooner. The only reason I was able to get away from them was because they didn't need me anymore. I was too weak to run away.

13-17 (high school) I was finally able to start a new life. I got into student council and cheerleading. I became an honor student once in my life and my parents felt proud of me. But in sophomore year, I lost all of it. I was the only one who didn't get back into student council and I didn't make the cheer team again. My grades dropped but I still wanted to do something so I joined JROTC. I started working out and learned discipline but they were never easy on me. I stopped eating and would still work out. I wasn't skinny enough! I started to enter depression and everything from my past started to come up again. Even though I couldn't remember it I still had feelings. It felt like my brain couldn't remember but my heart still does. I ended up moving to Germany but my anxiety took over and I stopped going to school. When I did go to school, I would skip class and cry in the bathroom and in late October I decided I wanted to die. I planned it and was going execute it but I ended up talking with someone that day. But that didn't stop me from writing my die note. I loved my family but it just seemed like they never noticed my pain. My gender identity crisis didn't help but I ended up coming out as non-binary with using all pronouns. Also I forgot that in Junior year I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

After graduation, I started to feel better about myself. I ended up moving back to America and got a job. I still suffer from depression but it's mild now. I'm able to do stuff now. I still struggle from my past with Veronica and Vivian and do you remember that book they made me about them valuing our friendship? I still have it! And maybe one day when I fully move on I'll be able to burn it and forgive myself. But I don't think I'm there yet. I'm still figuring out my gender so I'm still experimenting with it. I have a wonder partner right now who I see a future with and even though I still struggle with my image and trauma I think if I had to start my life over and re -do everything I probably won't do it because the things I've experienced isn't something you can just understand reading. You need to truly experience it to understand and I think with all of this I've become a very empathic and understanding person.

I know this might seem abrupt and might not make sense since it was all over the place but know that the mud that you're stuck in doesn't last forever and it truly does take you to get yourself out of it. People might be able to tug you out but it's really you who need's to push yourself out. Thank you for reading this! and I know you can get through this!