a post by A

TW: rape, sexual assault, abusive relationships

when i was a kid, i was raped. i don’t remember who did it, and it’s one of the most infuriating things in my life. for years, i didn’t realize anything had happened. i thought it was normal to have intrusive thoughts about sexual and gender-based violence. i thought my comfort with sex was a good thing, even as a kid. when i was thirteen, i dated a guy who would manipulate me into sexual situations. he would ask for explicit photos and ask intrusive questions about my body. i never questioned it since he wasn’t much older than me. when i was fifteen and sixteen, i dated someone else. they would ask me for sexual favors, and while i didn’t say no, i didn’t feel comfortable drawing boundaries with them. they made me feel like i was broken and they were the only person who could save me, so i did whatever they asked me to. one time we were having sex and i finally got up the courage to ask them to stop something i was uncomfortable with. they played it off like i was joking.

in all of these situations, i didn’t realize i had been assaulted until years later. sexual misconduct was always so normalized for me that now i feel guilty calling those situations assault even though they were. i feel like it’s my fault somehow for not speaking up and asserting myself sooner, and i feel like i can’t go back and tell my story and call those people out because it wouldn’t be fair, or they didn’t know better, or because it would just be for attention. i can think of a million reasons to talk myself out of it. i am exhausted by the relentlessness. all i want is to be able to be cute and feminine and go out without people commenting on how “all the boys will be after me” when I’m in college or out in the world. i just want to feel safe in my own body.

one of the people who assaulted me goes to school with me. they’re considered a role model and mentor to middle school students. they want to be a therapist and work with trauma patients the way they wanted to fix me. i feel like i have a responsibility to say something to stop them, but I’m scared that they’ll become a martyr and i’ll be ripped to shreds. maybe someday i’ll be brave enough to say something.